Learning and preparing to be a better version of me!
- Jessie Dumont
- Aug 6, 2021
- 6 min read
Treatment Status: 11 of 16 chemo completed (4 AC done, 12 Taxol’s to complete), Surgery Scheduled for October, Radiation in December/Early January
It has been a while since the last update, I guess I am so overwhelmed with anxiety, strange feelings and decisions while experiencing new side effects and more fatigue every day and that seems to be the challenge here. This is not something that is required, it is very difficult to put all of this in writing, but much needed for my mental health, for my loved ones and hopefully to help others in the future so they know they are not alone.
As my Oncologist said this part of the process is less painful vs the first chemo medications, the “Red Devil”, but it carries other side effects that are annoying and interfere with your day to day. I am getting sick Sundays and Mondays with headaches and not holding anything in my stomach (at least is only two days) and then the rest of the days, difficulties with my stomach, peripheral neuropathy (of boy), extreme fatigue (as simple as feeling out of air when walking up the stairs), nails get dark, dry skin, weird sense of smell, dark around your eyes, zero lashes, eyebrows keep falling, body is changing, HOT FLASHES, etc. As you can imagine this toll on your emotions and mental state and lately I have cried of the simplest things.
I’ve reached some “dark” moments, during
one of them the only way I found the way to get my mind out of it, was to put my thoughts in paper, and it was the only way of taking them out of my heard;
· Being able to walk but feeling that you are barely walk to the other side of house and you feel like you are crawling from the weakness;
· Seeing and talking to your loved ones and knowing how much you loved them and not having the energy to be able to communicate it them;
· Being able to talk, however, it is so hard sometimes to keep the mind/head in sink to hold a conversation, before forgetting things, getting lost or completely blank;
· Understanding what is going on around you and not having the energy or the trust (based on how weak you are) to make a decision;
· Knowing every possible side effect, and the moment it comes you are terrorized with thought of more cancer;
· Feeling that you are in jail or the only person paused in time, you can’t leave and take off on a trip, weekend getaway, anything… you don’t have the strength, you have medical appointments, chemo and lack of strength;
· Not having the strength or a way to believe what they best answer is to a message of “how do you feel”;
· Seeing a full day of meetings in you agenda (almost every day) and having those morning thoughts of “I can’t”, “I don’t have the strength”, “it’s too much” and that negative start is daily. I battle it to the positive every morning.
These are thoughts that came to my mind during days of bad headaches, nauseas, etc. where all the negative tries to take over. The good thing is that I wrote it and I changed gears, and I took control over my thoughts again. We are back to positive, strong, control, and motivation to finish active treatment strong.
Another good news is that I am now able to talk about this and recognize that it is part of the process. I am keeping in mind that I am only 5 chemotherapies away from ringing the bell!! The ladies that I have been able to meet via Instagram, who have either lived this same treatment or are going through it now have helped me a lot with this. The level of community support among these fighters and sisters thriving is amazing. So now I am in the process of seeking a therapist to help me cope with everything I mentioned at the top of the blog. While little by little I am putting chemo behind me, I still more treatment to go through (surgery, radiation) and immunotherapy pills for three years, plus the anxiety that comes with having to cope with the scares of recurrence, was anything missed, etc. etc. etc. So taking care of my mental health is a big task I am taking on now and I hope to share more about it later on.
This past week I‘ve had a lot of fatigue along with all the other side effects and it was hard to keep my mind centered and strong. I have to say I had one of the most difficult weeks emotionally, however, I was lucky to have my sister, niece and nephew with us. Maru (my sister) worked nonstop in the house, cooking, doing laundry, organizing my kitchen completely and taking care of me (which is not easy task). Alex took advantage to put a lot of hours in to his work, hoping to compensate for some of the hours he is missing on to take care of me. And having Victoria, my godson Elliot and my niece Claudia close was a blessing and a lot of help to stay strong. We even had a window of time that I felt strong enough to go with them to the Moody Gardens and we had a lot of fun. It is always good to find those times of the day when you forget the “c” word.
While anxiety is increasing in the past days I found two moments to go swim this week and what better medicine for Jessie than a little bit of strength and a workout. I am accepting that by no means I will have the stamina I use to have but little by little.
One thing I have learned is that not every day is the same, and for this Alpha women is hard to relate to the unknowns, but I am learning and becoming a new version of myself. You would all be surprised that I am becoming a lot more patient on many areas I wasn’t before. But the planner is still in me… working on during the recovery of one treatment moving into the next one, hopefully to get away (local) and change the scenery a bit and breath nature. I miss that so much!
From our family to you, thank you again for all the messages, the lovely gifts, the tips and products to help with side effects, and most importantly all the Love. I can’t explain how much it help all of us, just being there (a message, a post, a comment, a call, etc) is an extremely act of support. I see them all. I try to answer but there are days that I can’t type either because of the headaches, nauseas, neuropathy in my hands or simply I am to emotional and that takes a heavier toll on me at the moment.
Alex and Victoria are working very hard to stay strong, they are a blessing to me. Victoria is working and getting ready for her SAT, which is a very important way to keep busy in the middle of all of this. Alex, you all know, he is pushing so hard through all of this, he understand letting me cry when I need to, he makes me laugh every day and he still looks at me with love for who I am, just as he used to look at me when looked much prettier than now. And Lucas and Amanda have been able to be with us twice this summer and getting ready for the new school year.
For those ladies going through all of this, or starting too, feel free to reach out via email, Facebook, Instagram and/or text whenever you need anything. I have to say that the ladies I have connected with have made a different. I have tips on things I would have done differently since day one, on remedies that help and the ones that didn’t, etc. We are all different but if I can help in anyway please know you have a BC sister here. Also I highly recommend you connect with @thebreasties in your local chapter and that look for other groups of women in your area so you can have additional access to local women that understand and have experience of what you are going through.
Thank you God for all the blessing and while we struggle with chemo, thanks for all this medicine advancements that give us another chance.
Besos, Jessie
PS. PLEASE WEAR YOUR MASKS! THINK THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A PERSON LIKE ME AROUND YOU. WE HAVE OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM COMPROMISED AND I KNOW THAT SOME MIGHT THINK “WELL AND WHAT ARE THEY DOING OUT”, I THINK THIS BLOG CLEARLY EXPLAINS WHY WE NEED AN OUTING EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, WE ARE HUMANS TOO.
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